I LOST MY VOICE

Somewhere in the innumerous rituals that surrounded your death

and the selfish demands of the living

and in the midst of the abuse

and in the lack of light in your eyes and your perfunctory nods that reiterated your indifference again and again...

while they lit up with animation when my brother so much as came into the room

Somewhere amidst the rules of behavior that children must be seen not heard, that your opinions don't matter, so do as you're told

and the 'isn't it time you started working, you lazy so and so'

and the 'you're in your mid-20s, it's time you got married (even though you're...)'

and in the time that I laughed with the boss at his stupid, senseless jokes, and did his dirty work for him that he so diligently delegated while my promotion dangled in his hands like a knife on a thin thread..

Somewhere about the time I came home to a spouse who found fault with everything I did, nothing is right

whose love swayed with the amount of money I earned

Somewhere amidst the lack of friends who had all got married and disappeared

Somewhere...when I had no say when the 500 Rs notes in my purse turned to mere papers in a moment

and the movie ticket I bought to spend a little quality time with my family doubled overnight making it an unaffordable luxury

Some time when no matter how much I achieved, I couldn't make it to 'first grade' because that's reserved for a certain skin type, for the insider, for the right caste...

Somewhere when I was told that some section was imposed that could take away my living in the wink of an eye and leave me and my family stranded on a road to nowhere...

Somewhere amidst it all....

I lost my voice.