FIRST LOVE

Dear First Love,

Years ago

Young and uncertain

Our eyes met

Our paths converged

Only to diverge 

In tangents

You, in search of your dream

I, in search of mine.

Through it all,

Did you feel the void even then

As I did?

Now that our paths converge once again—

And once again,

Our eyes meet

We blush even now...

Obliterating 

The years between.

 

MORNING THOUGHTS

Fish in bowl

Bowl in Sunlight

Dancing waters

Crazy colours

Coloured pebbles

Leaf

Little fish resting on leaf…

I sip my coffee

At peace with the world.

 

I AM NOTHING

This morning

I looked in the mirror

A beautiful person stared back at me

but then...

I looked at the slim stereotype model

and compared to her

I don't matter

I am NOTHING.

I am a homemaker

through the day

I cook amazing meals

I clean, I take care of all my family's needs

I am their friend, my children's teacher,

a tailor when they tear their clothes

a nurse when they're sick

a storyteller, a counsellor par excellence

an interior decorator, a artist when they ask those charts in school..

but then...

I saw this woman with her handbag 

making for her office, beating the traffic

and earning money

and compared to her

I don't matter

I am NOTHING.

I am so good at computers

in office, I am the go-to person

to resolve a glitch

the one they depend on to get things done.

Am in a steady relationship 

and I further my studies

and I can sing like a nightingale

but then...

I look at those who have a bevy of friends 

around them

and seem to breeze through life

and compared to them

I don't matter

I am NOTHING.

 

STALKER'S PLIGHT

Your footsteps

follow mine

all the time.

The dark alleys of your mind

believe I'm your torch.

Am I good life personified?

Or is it just a wish to see me perish?

 

Your footsteps

follow mine

all the time.

footprints

where I've been.

 

Come, let me now take you now

to the foot of a steep mountain.

My nimble feet climb with ease

and I look down at the speck

that is you -

on flat ground.

 

So lost, so left behind.

 

SEMMOZHI PARK - CHENNAI

Time spent with wife and kids

No peak hour traffic, deadlines or late hours

Watch my two-year-old

move around like a clockwork doll

Present her a flower and leaf

and revel in her wonder

Throw ball to little fella

He falls flat on his face and pretends to sleep

Wife points to the trees -

to racing squirrels.

Hold hands and walk around the pond

Little ones run in front

Twilight hours

The lights go on....

Thank you Chennai!

 

don’t we all know 

how to live in a shell -

secretly alive...

 

GHOSTLY LOVE SONG

 

Skeletal trees reach out to stars this cold, autumn night

Birds wake up startled by the owl’s sudden nocturnal flight

the wind whispers “you’re mine!” a wailing dismal strain—

and I walk the Earth through vales and hills once again!

Craving eyes seek the scent of a loved one in despair!

Down a trail of tangled webs leading nowhere!

Here! and here! and here! Oh we were everywhere!

Was I the one who did not see the abyss that was there?

Now that I’m gone, do you grieve me alone through the cold, dark night?

Or have you found someone else and moved towards the light?

Should you walk these paths again and hear a dismal moan,

please know ‘tis I who weeps and groans, my dirge sung all alone.

Should we meet once again on the same page, you and I,

then my love, I’ll tell you how our love can never die.

BREAKDOWN

confusion in my head

systems going haywire

or maybe you're throwing in ideas too fast!

tangled up and knotted

sprouting up in branches

come on let's go!

a moment more and

haywire

is a heart attack!

REMEMBER THE TIME?

Remember the time

I shared with you my fascination

for ancient civilizations

Those broken mud pots

Their funny weapons

Their quaint paintings

Their lifestyle so different

from ours

But the sky was the same then too

The Moon shone just as bright

There was then too a Bloody Moon

The Venus still spoke Love

And Saturn buzzed with so many rings!

Remember the time

I said I wish we were in a time machine

Or moved far away and flowed with the river

Moved back in time or forward

Now just part of a landscape

encompassing a Universe?

I LOST MY VOICE

Somewhere in the innumerous rituals that surrounded your death

and the selfish demands of the living

and in the midst of the abuse

and in the lack of light in your eyes and your perfunctory nods that reiterated your indifference again and again...

while they lit up with animation when my brother so much as came into the room

Somewhere amidst the rules of behavior that children must be seen not heard, that your opinions don't matter, so do as you're told

and the 'isn't it time you started working, you lazy so and so'

and the 'you're in your mid-20s, it's time you got married (even though you're...)'

and in the time that I laughed with the boss at his stupid, senseless jokes, and did his dirty work for him that he so diligently delegated while my promotion dangled in his hands like a knife on a thin thread..

Somewhere about the time I came home to a spouse who found fault with everything I did, nothing is right

whose love swayed with the amount of money I earned

Somewhere amidst the lack of friends who had all got married and disappeared

Somewhere...when I had no say when the 500 Rs notes in my purse turned to mere papers in a moment

and the movie ticket I bought to spend a little quality time with my family doubled overnight making it an unaffordable luxury

Some time when no matter how much I achieved, I couldn't make it to 'first grade' because that's reserved for a certain skin type, for the insider, for the right caste...

Somewhere when I was told that some section was imposed that could take away my living in the wink of an eye and leave me and my family stranded on a road to nowhere...

Somewhere amidst it all....

I lost my voice.

JUST

watching the sylvan expanses flying past in a circle through the train window,

I mull over the past, trying to gauge its relevance to my current scenario...

the sky turns dark, the trees silhouette and the stars appear...

bigger and brighter than at home

My head on my arms, fast asleep....

my musings lie in a heap at my feet.

THIS TOO SHALL NEVER PASS

I am no Atlanta to pause to pick up your golden apples

But keep running, fleet of foot

My race is not to win but to get away

From the castle we built

Out of a pack of cards

that you toppled with just the slightest pressure -

the tip of your finger

A card was our promises to each other

A card was our lovemaking

A card was my standing at the doorstep waving goodbye

till you were out of sight

A card was us looking with wonder at our first-born

A card was my packing your lunch box and

running towards you with forgotten keys

A card was my flinging myself into your arms

in sorrow

A card was our children and I

waiting to show you the decorations up for Christmas

A card was an Era of Oneness...

But now

My fleet feet never cease to run

Never pausing to look back -

On the arid desert I leave behind -

In a race where the winner loses all.

MOTHER - IT'S YOUR STORY

Mother, this story begins and ends with you

it's your story 

not mine

I wrote it for you

turning brown leaves to green

dreaming fruits in winter

flowing down the stream of time

building my canoe of dreams as i went

harboring in love and letting it grow

to fruit in winter turned to early spring

All my dreams lay the other side of

the bed of nails, 

yet

my feet are swift

they fly over the nails

but my Sun still bled

gashes of red

and I bled all over my dreams

how long i asked

before my Sun is whole again

The gashes healed and it was Spring

I shook my curly locks and defied the wind

The sky is green I declared!

the world agreed

The grass is purple

the world agreed

I painted the Sun a tepid shade of blue

borrowed the yellow of the canary and gave it the rivers

the mountains capped their snow in pink...

and the world agreed...

But this is your story ma...

the one written from your womb

It must end where it began

the bright must give to shade

the swift to slow

the green leaves turn brown again

and I...

I must wind up in your womb again -

and you must die.

But the world?

the sky is still green, the grass purple, the Sun a tepid blue

the rivers flow yellow and the snow is pink...

and the world agrees.

LET'S DANCE

let's complete the waltz that we started last Christmas

hand on your shoulder, arm around my waist

waiting for the music to start playing

smiling into your eyes and you

waltz me 'neath the mistletoe

unmatched steps last Christmas

in perfect sync

now, we

kiss?

ANKLETS

Teeming life 'neath my feet

and I

Wait with bated breath

All is still on this hillside

as we wait..

the faint tinkling of your anklets

now drawing closer

birds break into song

leaves dance

the river in silver ripples

and I blow a thousand bubbles, 

your image in each one

in rainbow hues

JIGSAW PUZZLE COMPLETED

Maybe I needed to be hurt

crushed and trampled upon?

A miniscule light went on in my mind

growing brighter by the moment…

Thoughts gathered and scattered

a thousand shards 

of perspectives—

none too sharp to cut through the pain,

and yet, I bled within.

You got me all nailed—

you thought!

but I know how to fix a mirror

to reflect the shades

I want the world to see—

have them read between the lines

of broken glass—

my thousand-shards perspective

now a completed jigsaw puzzle.

CALLING OUT!

Are we just a colony of pests

Sprayed upon from above?

What will catch your attention?

A funny jig?

Something out of the ordinary?

A white ant in a colony of black ones?

Whatever it is I have to do

To catch your attention

To let you know

It's not okay

I'm not okay

We're not okay

And we're going nowhere -

This is our world

We live here.

We die here.

THROUGH A DOORWAY

Through a doorway

you peek

at the passage of time -

its another generation

that laughs at age-old conventions.

Through a doorway

you see them

lounging against walls in bizarre clothes

love songs in their hearts.

Through a doorway

you blink

at thin spaces of sunshine

the flutter of a bird's wings

the Gulmohar in full bloom.

And you realize

time has passed you by

giving way along the folds and creases

the smell of decay

on the gray shades of your life.

TO MY ABUSER

In the clear waters of the lake

do my teardrops make a difference?

Are they distinctive? Do the fish avoid them - so full of pain??

I will never know.

The black charcoal

etched 

your cruel words into my heart

forever

never to erase my mistrust in you -

Your smile - it means nothing!

Your love - it means nothing!

"You're mine!" you claim

"I swear I will never hurt you again!"

....you claim.

Your claim, not mine.

I stare blankly at you.

In the cold grey day outside

In a cloud, I see a form

Why do I see a form?

Why do i feel it follows me everywhere?

Why do I see shadows...

Everywhere??

You and I  - we make no sense

Should we die

and come alive, still

make no sense.

Trying to hold water in your hands -

never a wise thing to do.

OUT OF LINE

In your eyes I saw 

my soul reflected

out of line

you thought

defining line your way

She thought she'd step out of line too - 

not to meet me

but out of line sounded fun

Was it fun once you stepped out?

The breeze blows harder

turns into a cyclone

and you are not she

to not be blown away

Out of line you scream - 

'Mind how you do it!'

A calm only around her

a glow

aglow

She walked the steps keeping

just out of line

and then moves tangent

and parallel out of line

winds speak poetry,

trees nod to rhythm,

she read between the lines

in the silences in vacant patches of 

wet Earth

drawing her own circle

Within Without